I feel like I haven’t written a post for ages. I also know I haven’t contributed an article to Discordia for ages, and I feel pretty slack about that. The thing is that at the moment for some reason, I am just always tired. Not my body really, but my brain. I can’t seem to concentrate on more than two things at once and since one of those things is almost always my son, I don’t have much room left for anything else right now.
I’m finding it all very annoying really. My son has been pretty good these last couple of weeks. Yes we’ve had the odd meltdown, but nowhere near as bad as he used to. He still argues with me each and every day about doing his school work and you’d think I’d be used to that now, but it’s draining me more and more to stay patient with him lately. Reducing his medication does mean that he needs a little extra patience, but all in all he’s responding much better than we had feared. He’s getting so much better at controlling himself even when he is on the point of losing it. Some old habits die hard, but they are just that… habit… rather than an actual inability to control what he’s doing. I know this because he used to be unable to control his aggressive responses to anxiety. Now, I can see he’s anxious, and he’ll begin the behaviours he’s used to using, but if I can say the right thing at the right moment, he can stop. He can calm down and try again. So we have made progress. Good progress.
Some of the problem will be that I’m feeling stressed trying to find time to practice singing for School of Rock. No one is putting pressure on me, it’s just me, but I still want to be able to do better than I’m currently doing on a couple of the songs. Some of them I’m rocking at rehearsal, others, not sucking, but also not rocking. I know I’ll get there.
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking lately and I think that also makes me tired. I was recently asked by Discordia to write a review of a play called “Mothers”, and although I was scared to do it (fear of failing), I went and interviewed them and then wrote a little pre-review article. When I was introduced by the producer to the cast, she called me a ‘journalist’ and the funny thing was that my immediate thought was, “Oh crap! Don’t say that! They’ll see right through me in a second and realise that I’m just a lucky woman who was asked to come along and have this opportunity!” When I got home, I told this to my husband and he said,
“Hmmmm… I wonder why you thought that? You are a journalist. You know how to get the right information from people and write it in an interesting way. It’s only you who thinks you are ‘pretending’ or ‘faking’ not anyone else.”
So, why do I think that about myself? After I got home from the interview I was all scared, but yet really felt alive, like I had just done something that I was always meant to do. It made me realise that although I love homeschooling my son, and I am happy to do it, I’m also stagnating. I’m not getting a chance to still be me. When I go to School of Rock, which is basically the only time I get to see other people (once a week for two hours), I can tell instantly that they think I’m really young and naive, and actually I’m only about 2 years younger than many of the people there. I just don’t have that wealth of every day knowledge and confidence that I used to have when I was out in the world all day every day.
Because of this, and because my son is really starting to crave extra contact, we are trying again with finding a homeschooling social group. I contacted some people today who are a little closer to home than the one we went to previously so I’m really hoping that this will be a little easier to get to each week and give him the chance to work on making some friends. As I explained to him the other day, he can’t expect to make the sort of friendships he’s craving by playing in a playground with a bunch of kids for an hour. He has to go somewhere every week and meet the same kids over and over and slowly get to know which ones he wants to be friends with and which ones want to be friends with him. I was telling him this to try and get him to understand that he really needs to try some more outside of the home activities in order to meet more kids. He keeps rejecting every idea I come with for things to try, but that’s just not going to cut it. You can’t just lock yourself away and complain that you have no friends and you are bored and lonely. You have to get out there and do something about it.
And that’s the problem with me isn’t it. I need to practice what I preach. Problem is that’s really hard when you don’t have someone to look after your child so you can do those things. Or if your husband, who would happily look after your child is really busy at work and can’t get home until after 6:30 most nights, and then by that time I’m too tired to go and do anything anyway! Not to mention, that I’d actually like to spend that time with my husband!
Now, I’m not meaning to sound complainey, even though I do! I guess it’s just that this is why I am so tired lately! I keep thinking about all these things I want to do, but can’t because of lack of time, or lack of money, or both. So, now I guess I’m pinning my hopes on meeting some lovely people at the groups next term and really ramping up some of his opportunities to learn outside the home with social excursions and learning experiences. It might do me some good too. It won’t give me more head ‘energy’ to do more writing though… which sucks, but that’s life!
So, in trying to find more time for my son, I lost time with myself and I think that time might be the hardest to catch back up.