Singing is essentially a selfish pursuit….

Phew! It’s been an age since I had a moment to do a post! Here I am at quarter to midnight finally trying to fit one in, and I know it won’t do justice to all the things I want to say!

So, since I last posted, I’ve finished the final concert for the Lady’s choir and that went really well. I’ve also done my first live concert for School of Rock. We performed a small list of our songs to an afternoon outdoor crowd at the Crows Nest Festival. It was really really nervous. I had been really great in the last few rehearsals leading up to the festival, and had gained a lot of confidence. 

On the day, my first couple of songs were a little bit shaky, and while they weren’t great, I didn’t let that get to me and got stronger as the afternoon progressed. The entire performance wasn’t the best I can do, so it was a little disappointing to see and hear it on my husbands handy cam recording afterwards. That being said, it was my first proper concert, and the crowd seemed to be enjoying themselves, smiling and singing along, so they probably didn’t notice quite as much as I did how much my voice shook or when I went off pitch. 

The weekend after that performance, we got busy organising our son’s eighth birthday party. The party happened this past Saturday 26th of October, and I’ll cover the details in a separate post. 

So now, my next big performance is on Friday the 8th of November, which is NEXT FRIDAY!!! It’s weird, but after the Crows Nest Festival, instead of getting more excited and pumped up, I kind of lost momentum. I didn’t practice all that week, and when we came to the next rehearsal, where we re-visited the other songs that we had abandoned for a couple of weeks, I kind of sucked. Now I have a sore throat and a headache, and am struggling to find enough enthusiasm to practice and learn the whole set list. We are doing 27 songs in total for the show, and I am a part of 15 of them with 4 of them being leads. 

It’s still quite scary even though I know I can do it now. I still fear what people will think of me, which is stupid, because as long as I get up there and have fun, they will probably think I’m really brave for even getting up and trying! There is also the fact, that my voice is pretty good, so if some songs don’t come off very well, there will be others that will show the audience that I really can sing, just maybe not as well on some compared to others. Either way, I need time and head space to practice. That is what made me realise that singing is essentially a selfish pursuit, or perhaps I should say ‘performing’. 

Previously, I would sing for the pleasure and entertainment of my child and husband. I did it for fun, and had fun doing it. It didn’t interfere with anybody else’s life. Now that I need to do all this practice and rehearsing with the band, and spending time in my own head learning the songs, I’m finding it hard. It isn’t enough to sit down with the songs on and sing them while doing Lego with my son anymore. I need actual time to sign loud and stand up and concentrate on what I’m singing. I need to hear myself, and not be interrupted. I also need to practice scales and warm ups to strengthen my voice. 

At the moment my husband is really busy at work and has been coming home later, and then sitting at his lap top and working most of the night. That means that I have the child all day for homeschooling, and then don’t really get a break when my husband comes home. He’s also a bit grumpy because he’s tired and stressed with all his work. That doesn’t really allow me the selfish time I need to really practice. Plus I’m often tired too when he can give me time, or when the boy goes to bed. 

I also feel guilty on the weekends if we have a show or an extra rehearsal and I have to leave my husband with my son for a few hours or half a day to get it all done. I wonder if that is all contributing to my lack of enthusiasm for it. I know it would be hard work, I just didn’t think about how much time it would take, and how tired it would make me. It’s also a rather expensive pursuit, and we really are running low on funds, which makes us both more stressed. 

Sigh… Oh well. I have committed to it. I will finish it out, and then next year I’ll re-think what path I may or may not take. 

It is also that time of year where I need to start putting things together for Christmas, and organising to renew my registration for Homeschooling. All of that takes up a lot of time and thinking power. I’ll get there though. 

As soon as my husband stops being quite so busy, I’ll get him to cut a bit out of the video from the festival performance and I’ll post it up here for all to see! Eeeekk!

That’s it for now though. Bed is calling…..zzzzzzzzzzz


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