In the wee hours of this morning (4:45am to be exact), I was dragged reluctantly from my deep slumber by the shrill tones of our phone ringing. Half in a stupor I heard the sound of my Mother’s voice on our answering machine, and immediately thought “Oh crap! Something has happened!”
I leaned over, accidentally implanting my elbow in my husband’s unsuspecting face, and reached for the phone on the bedside.
“Hello? Hello?” I mumbled sleepily into the receiver.
“Oh. Hello. Sorry I know it’s some ridiculous hour in the morning, but I found you a flight that is really cheap and I needed your passport details to secure it. The other thing is that it leaves at 9:50am tomorrow!”
My sleepy mind struggled a little around this information while I headed out to the lounge room in an attempt not to wake the whole house with my conversation. A flight that leaves tomorrow morning? A phone call in the wee hours of the morning? I definitely loved the drama surrounding it all. The thought of just packing some bags and heading straight off, cancelling a whole host of appointments and forgetting my troubles for a while was highly alluring to a spontaneous and dramatic soul such as myself. Then I struggled through my foggy brain enough to think… oh perhaps I should discuss this with my husband first.
Luckily, he was already awake after having had his face squashed a few moments prior.
I gave him a brief run-down of what was going on and he brought me quickly back to reality. 😦 Damn logical husbands and their logical early morning drama squashing brains. He pointed out that getting the child out of bed and getting him ready to catch an unexpected plane would probably send him into an overdrive of anxiety. He also pointed out that I have removed him from school in order to spend some time really getting him used to actually doing some school work and feeling confident that he can give things a try. If I take him on holidays, it would look a lot like a huge reward for all the bad behaviour he’s had over the last few weeks. Get suspended from school? Never mind! I’ll take you on a holiday to visit your grandparents and be spolit for two weeks!
All of those things are quite true. Not to mention the appointments that I have waited so long for that I would have to cancel. Then there’s the Mum I am currently teaching Circle of Security Parenting to on Friday afternoons. I would have to stop doing that for her, and she is really excited after our first session to get more into it and learn from me. Sigh.
So, with a tired, disappointed and slightly annoyed brain, I had to accept that as the Mum of a special needs child, I don’t have the luxury of spontaneity. I don’t have any room for being selfish. It doesn’t matter if I’m bored with doing housework every day. Organising dinner for the family, baking bread, doing washing, being patient, denying myself anything that I want because we simply don’t have enough money. Too bad. That’s what being a parent is about, and I just need to get over it and move on I suppose.
Do I sound bitter? Yeah I know. My poor husband told me this morning that he feels like he is in trouble. In some way he kind of is, because he’s the one who pointed it all out to me. He made me stop and think. Therefore it’s him stopping me from having what I want. On the other hand, I realise that isn’t strictly fair on him. Maybe he doesn’t want to go to work every day and be the only one bringing in a huge amount of money that is eaten up instantly by a huge mortgage, not allowing him to have anything he might want either.
We are in this life whether we like it or not. We have this kind of child, who gives us pleasure and also some pain. That is our lot, and I’m sure if I wax philosophical about it all, I would say that it is character building. It makes me stronger. It helps me understand sacrifice and selflessness, and… well… it sucks… but? Too bad!
I’ll get over it by tomorrow. Today I must go and teach a little ADHD, ODD, Anxiety Disorder child how to understand maths concepts like the tens column and the ones column. Oh joy! I guess I would have probably just wanted to spend money I don’t have and buy some new clothes over in the USA anyway. There. That’s the positive side right?