Grumpy

Today I’m feeling a little, well a lot… grumpy. “Why?” I hear you ask. (Whether you really thought that or not is completely irrelevant, I wanted to hear it and so I did!)

I have had a very productive week, I have made lots of nice dinners, I’ve cleaned, sorted and photographed a whole bunch of baby stuff to put online for sale, and even sold a few items already and collected some cash. I am currently in the local library with a good friend, working on some writing pieces, and yet, I am grumpy.

Some of my grumpiness is due to tiredness, and some to hunger, but mostly, and invasively, it is due to my son. I am not grumpy with my son as such, even though he gave the giant white puppy his Lovan in a syringe this morning. Yes… I know…Sigh.

Mainly it’s because we were really starting to see so much improvment in his behaviour with his new medication. Last thursday, we saw the Dr and increased his dosage by 1/8th of a tablet to a total of 3/8ths. As it’s quite hard to cut a table into that size, I had a compound pharmacist make it up into a syrup so I could measure it accurately. On Friday, he had his best day ever at school the teacher said.

On Monday, he slapped someone in the face, didn’t do any work, and was generally really distracted and almost ‘high’.

On Tuesday, he really struggled again, and couldn’t focus on anything.

On Wednesday, I went and got the pharmacist to give me tablets again incase the syrup was causing problems. I then found out this morning (thursday) that yesterday, he had a really really bad day. Right back to where he used to be. Unsettled, aggressive, violent, rude and the teacher described his behaviour as ‘Manic’. 😦

This morning, I rolled back his dose to a quarter of a tablet on the Dr’s advice, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that his day will not be completely horrible.

So this is why I am grumpy. Actually, if I come down to the truth of the matter, I am probably not grumpy, I am just sad. I know I need to be patient with all of these drug trials, and that this may be something that never really gets fixed. I guess, being the person I am, I just really felt that if I did everything right, if I gave up everything and focused really hard on doing everything perfectly for him, I could somehow ‘fix’ him.

I have to realise, sadly, that actually, I have no real control in this situation. He will do what he’s going to do, whether it be good or bad, no matter what I do. I have a very limited amount of control over this situation, and that’s hard to admit. I can control what he eats, and how I affect his behaviour, but once he’s away from me, I cannot control what he will do. I hate that.

My husband tells me I need to be more patient. I agree, but it’s so hard to see your child come home from school and tell you that he had a really bad day. Well, actually, it was a little funnier than it sounds. He told me he needed a new toy to help him forget all the bad things that happened to him that day. He still sees it as people or circumstances happening to him that are bad, rather than his own behaviour creating the ‘badness’ that happens and that is something really difficult to teach him without affecting his self esteem.

So, a set back. Now I must just take a deep breath… buy some more chocolate biscuits, and try to put away all my feelings on the matter in order to present him with a confident, helpful, “Bigger, Wiser, Stronger, Kind” Mummy.

And I will.

But for now…. I’m GRUMPY

On a more positive and funny note though, I just remembered something cute and funny he said this morning on the way to school.

Me: As we left the house for school “Oh! I forgot to put my wedding rings back on!” (I take them off at night when I sleep because my fingers swell)

Son: “Why does it matter?”

Me: “Because I like to have my rings on when I go out”

Son: “Not everything is about beauty you know!”

Me: smiling… “Yes, I know that. And my wedding rings aren’t about beauty. They are about letting the world know that I am married and I love my husband”

Son: thinking for a minute…”Well, everyone will still be able to know that when they see you becaue you have me with you!”

Awwww, that’s nice to know that he sees himself as a symbol of me being married and loving my husband 🙂

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