Why my brain takes up too much of my life

As another week has passed by and we trialled the first small dose of Fluoxetine (an antidepressant used for anxiety in children), I got to thinking. Now thinking is something I do often, and quite well, but the problem is that it can take up too much time, and rather a lot of energy. This is especially true if I get to thinking in circles, or on subjects that simply have no way of me controlling them.

Some of the thoughts I’ve had this week are;

“What is it like for children at school in this day and age when we have so many kids with behavioural problems or learning difficulties? What happens to the ‘average’ children? Or even what happens to the very bright, but not super brainy children? Do they sit there and wonder why all these kids who seem to muck around and mess about, rolling on the floor, hiding under bookshelves, leaving the classroom every ten minutes get rewards all the time for things like ‘being able to sit at a desk for 10 minutes and write half a sentence or do half a maths worksheet.’ If I were those other kids, it would probably either confuse me or annoy me lots. Perhaps kids don’t notice or think this way, but it did get me wondering. It’s pretty hard to get noticed in today’s world, for anything positive anyway. You will most certainly get noticed if you break rules or do anything wrong… it’s a bit of a problem I think. I know that with kids like mine, the reason they get rewards for tiny, seemingly insignificant achievements is to try and prove to them that they are not in fact ‘stupid’ or ‘useless’, or ‘idiots’, phrases my own six year old uses when describing his frustration with his own behaviours.” I had a good think about for almost the whole of Monday 🙂

Another thought I’ve been having, that took up almost the whole of Tuesday and Wednesday…

“What will happen if when we trial this new medication next week, our son suddenly and miraculously is able to function ‘normally’? Obviously, it’s unlikely, but what if? Sure, the first thing I’ll do is heave a great sigh of relief and then probably drink a lot of champagne, but after that? What next? What will happen to me? I’ve devoted the last two years of my life (with three years before that part time) learning, writing, reading, changing everything about my own mind and my behaviours. I’ve educated people who are closest to my son and am now branching out to the wider community to try and educate them. If one little pill is able to calm his anxiety and ‘fix’ all this, will that mean that I am no longer useful? No longer important? Now I know this line of thinking sounds a little self deprecating and fatalistic, but it’s perhaps not how I mean it to sound. Of course I’ll always be important and useful, but I mean I am a little afraid that I will no longer have this tie which binds me to being unable to move freely around do anything else with any real level of commitment. Will I have to actually go out and get a job again? I am a little afraid of doing that too, having been out of the work force for almost two years now. I also really don’t want to go back to the work I used to do, and did for almost 15 years. But…do I know how to do anything else? My husband tells me I can do anything at all. He tells me that when I speak, people listen. He tells me that when I write, people read, absorb and learn. He loves me… he has to say that (even though he reminds me constantly that since I tell him so often that he is so smart, that I really should believe him!).” That thought is as yet, unresolved. It’s one of those ones where I have more control than I would like to admit, because then that means I might actually have to take a risk and do something extraordinary, and possibly…….eeek….fail.

Today, we trialled the Fluoxetine with Ritalin, and sadly, I received a phone call from the school just after 12pm that he had been in the principals office for over 30 minutes as he wasn’t feeling well. I went to pick him up, and he was indeed very pale, and eerily still. Even when he has an illness, this child doesn’t sit still. I took him home, and fed him and set him up on the lounge to watch a movie. After about half an hour, he started to get some colour back and asking whether I would play with him. I told him I was happy he was feeling better, but if he was well enough to play, he could go back to school. The only other option was to sit quietly on the lounge until 3pm when everyone else finished school. He accepted the rules and kept to them with only a few complaints. I think we might have just put too much medication in too quickly since he had his morning Ritalin a little later than usual and they trialled giving him his afternoon one at 11 instead of 1pm. Tomorrow we’ll spread it out a little more and hope that he doesn’t feel sick again.

Now, don’t be thinking that the second train of thought I had is now solved because he felt sick on the meds. We still need to get to the right dosage and mix of the two meds before we can see whether it affects his ability to function or not. We will still be doing all the good parenting and behavioural things as well as natural anxiety management and learning how to modify and control his thoughts, so hopefully, with all the continuous hard work on all our parts, we’ll see a more settled child who can actually start learning next year!

Meanwhile, naturally, I still haven’t completed my book (the one I’m writing). I haven’t managed to put together the full course outline for my short course and I haven’t had any enquiries for any of my courses yet. What’s next? I have done a detailed outline of the long course, which will be going up on on the website soon. I am meeting with someone on Thursday who may be interested in doing the courses together as they’ve done the training too. I will mostly be doing that just to get some practice in. I then intend to rope one of my friends, the bank manager and her husband, and a teacher from my son’s old pre-school into paying a very, extremely discounted fee (just enough to cover the room hire), and doing the course so that I can at least get some practice in and get them talking to other people about it!

Wish me luck. I need it. And some money, so if you could also wish me some money with the luck that would be very helpful indeed hee hee!

I decided to add a picture of my son playing with the giant white puppy, whom I haven’t blogged about in a while. Apologies for the quality, it was taken on my phone, with not a lot of light!

He is indeed a Giant!


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