I haven’t blogged much this week because we’ve all been a bit sick, and although plenty has been happening, not much of it is positive, so I kind of felt rather grumpy and didn’t want to inflict that on everyone else!
Being sick obviously lowers my ability to find the positives in situations, and it’s been quite a number of years since I last had this sense of hopelessness that makes it impossible to get yourself up and get on with moving forward. I am getting closer today though. I have consumed an entire Jam log over two days and copious amounts of chocolate and although today is quite grey and threatening to rain, I have decided to just sit down and do some writing and get my head back where it needs to be.
Although I have pretty well accepted that my son is different and that I have to leave all expectations behind and just follow his lead, actually doing this is extremely difficult. It’s tiring to maintain a positive attitude and patience and kindness so consistently. Everyone loses the plot now and then, and I guess it’s my turn a bit now. The important thing is that I am not losing it in front of my son. After another visit to the principal yesterday with the school counsellor in tow, we went home and I sent him to his room. I told him that he needed to go there because I was sad and disappointed at what he had done that day, and I needed some adult time to ‘pull myself together’ which is a phrase we use with him when we are trying to get him to control his emotional outbursts.
He knew he had upset me and so quietly played in his room until I said he could come out. The thing I find so hard, is that although I am incredibly patient with him, I am very impatient for something to change in a big way. I keep telling myself that this might just be how he will be forever, and I might never be able to ‘fix’ him and be able to just take him to school and know that he’ll either have a good or a bad day, but that he won’t have a terrible day!
I tell myself often, but I guess there is always still that hope in the back of my mind, that one day, this might all end and I’ll get back that dream I had of what having children would be like.
I am also quite annoyed at myself right now. We are getting really low on money and I try really hard not to make money any kind of focus in our lives, but sadly it keep popping up. I wanted to enrol my son in tennis lessons, but we can’t afford that now. I wanted to take him back to drumming lessons, but nope, can’t do that either. The school needs more aide time for him, which might help him have a better time at school, but I can’t really help out with that just now either. It’s very frustrating. It’s all because of the mortgages on our houses too. I have budgeted, and downscaled our lives hugely. We can still pay all our bills and our mortgages, so we aren’t badly off as in debt collectors knocking at the door or anything like that. We can afford groceries and petrol, so what am I complaining about?!
I guess the main difficulty is just that when you’ve had enough money to go and get things or do things when you want to, you really notice when you no longer have that extra money around. I am annoyed with myself on two scores here.
The first is that it really shouldn’t matter. There are a whole bunch of people in this country and around the world who have a hell of a lot less than I do. The second is that I have it within my power to change the situation. If I would just get brave enough and really send out some writing (like I bloody well said I would months ago!!), I could be bringing in a little bit of extra for these extra things we want. Or if I would sit down and really concentrate on putting my course material together, I could start running courses. It isn’t going to earn a lot of money, but it would be enough to help with some aide time or tennis lessons at least!
So, why don’t I do these things? If I knew that, I wouldn’t be angry with myself now would I! Fear of failure perhaps?….. Most likely. I’m not lazy. I haven’t been spending my days just watching TV or anything. I read stuff. Boring stuff. About anxiety in children and how to help them. About any number of ways to get your writing published. The more I read though, the more I think I don’t know enough and need to read more. Trouble is, the more I read, the less I actually write, and the less I actually set up and implement the stuff to help my son. Arrrggghhhh! Where’s that song, “Stuck in a rut”?
Right, I need to end on a positive note. I am not going to have any chocolate today 🙂 – I have in fact lost 3kgs and am much closer to 60kgs than 65kgs on the scales now. I am going to write something today, other than my blog. I am then going to do some thinking, not reading, and draw up some plans for my training course. If I can achieve these things today, I will be one step closer to sorting myself out. Each day as it comes.