I am starting to get rather annoyed at myself and my lack of willpower. I know very well that I eat too much sugar and fat and that I don’t exercise enough. I know what this does to my body and my general health. I have even posted along the same topic line previously. Despite this, and despite telling myself every night that “I really need to start doing something serious about my weight” each day I do…not much. Yes I take the dog for a walk and sometimes I even run. My last foray into that made me lose my keys again though, so what good is that?! Yes I started eating salads and not so much sugary stuff when I’m at home during the day, but then the weather got cold again and I went straight back to my old ways.
I can see the strain on my body this has. I currently have a pulled muscle in my rib cage and a sore right foot and sore knees. I am completely convinced these injuries are due to me not exercising and strengthening my body on a daily basis in the right way. It’s telling me I suck, and fair enough too.
Every day I tell myself I need to sit down and write a certain number of words towards finishing my novel, and every evening I say, “Oops, I ran out of time today, I’ll do it tomorrow”. Sigh. Tomorrow? Never happens. I am a delightful and interesting mixture of procrastination, furious energy and lack of will power when it’s directed at myself.
If I want to will myself to be patient with my son when he’s really laying it on? Done.
If I want to get the house clean or cook something yummy but I’m very tired or sore? Can do.
If a friend needs a favour and they ask me to go out of my way to get it done for them? Yep, I’ll be there.
So I ask myself…again… why I don’t think I’m important enough? Why do I put myself to the back of the line and make myself wait until I have extra time or energy or enthusiasm? I have read countless tales of the same story from Mums and indeed parents of any gender, so I know I’m not alone in this one.
For that matter, why am I now blaming my own lack of will power for the ‘problem’? Am I not just giving myself something else to feel guilty about?! Well that’s pretty stupid really isn’t it. Guilt doesn’t really get stuff done nor make you happy.
Today I might very well have caught up and re-written the five pages of my novel that my son accidentally deleted a week or two ago. But did I? Of course not! What did I do instead? I did two loads of washing, played with the giant white puppy (well it’s pretty hard not to feel sorry for him with that silly plastic lamp shade on his head, miserably bumping into the backs of my legs as he tries to get closer to me, but ends up knocking me over!), dried some dishes on the sink, organised some bills, car service, dentist appointments and insurance claim forms. Boring, and stuff that probably could have waited until tomorrow in all honesty.
With all the new stuff we are doing to get our son all sorted out with his anxieties and self esteem issues, I think I’ve forgotten to be kind to myself. Being kind to oneself does not involve (not solely anyway, as the magazines and TV would have us believe) day spas, haircuts, retail therapy, chocolate etc. To be truly kind to yourself you need to treat your body with respect. Exercise it appropriately and regularly. Feed it nutritious and healthy stuff that will actually give it good things to help it run better. Allowing your mind some time with peace and quiet and not tormenting it continually with questions and guilt and orders to remember things and work things out, and deal with stuff.
Ahhh… if only it were just a matter of willpower, imagine what I could do!
When willpower fails when it’s directed at yourself…what WILL work? I don’t know, but if I work it out in the next couple of days, I’ll definitely let you know!